Journey to realisation

  48days more. It will marked the end of my 3.5yr of  National Service .. Haha. Maybe you will asked me. "Huh? Wad ORD? U are a gal." Well, let me explain, its kinda of a "joke" that we all know that anyone working  who is working in an Ah gong’s organization, there are some duties  we need to comply and i remember someone i knew joke that as National Service. Haha.

If you asked me how i feel now? To be honest, is a mixed feeling. Sad, Full of anxiety for the new work, paranoid,etc. Well, i dont know why my anxiety is so great. Maybe i fear that i make a wrong choice to move on in life. And preheaps im starting to miss this little island that is stranded from civilisation?

Looking back my 2yrs on the island, there are good times and bad times. At least, i know i love my job. Werid issnt it? Loving a job but to quit it. I would say the nature of the job make me feel proud as a Singaporean. Somehow indirectly i feel im helping to shape Singapore’s economy and future in a way. Is like i got to learn how to spearhead activities in effort together with other agency to reachout to industries to anchor them into Singapore and grow their business which in turns will help to develop Singapore. I really enjoy these. I got to admit, I love it. It make me feel really proud as a contributing citizen. The sad part is that is not bringing attractive "bacon" home. I remember i quit my previous job in search of exposure and passion for work. Now if you ask me why do u quit this time round? Is the bacon im after or the passion? I really love to have the best of both world. But in reality it is just so difficult…. N ppl just need to move on in their career life..

For sure, i dare say  i will miss my colleagues, my great boss, the jobscope..But for sure i know i really hate the distance to the island that i m glad im ORD-ing soon.

Gonna miss the island in a way…

*sob sob*

I always like great singapore sales and discounts. The feeling of getting a great bargains for a high price item always feel good.

But there are some things in life, i wish i never accept discount as a price. Sometimes i just feel so sick of situations that i went thru. I  felt like im had discounted love, discounted pay , discounted friendships, discounted work…. Okie discounted work for a full payment of pay issnt that bad??!! Maybe? I dont know.

I know i had been focusing my energy on all the wrong places..That i have wasted my 3 years of my youth. Duh so stupid. Y? Y did i made myself to accept these.. I cant understand why was i able to accept discounted pay. So called friendship that is bloody obvious that took advantage of you. Love that is…. Maybe at least thats how i feel.

With all these, i m left with no more energy. It just come to this point that i feel that when you are left with nuthing to loose. Losing doesnt matter anymore!!! I just feel totally bohchap and in fact weird i feel lighter.

As for now, all i pray that i will be able to put God in the centre of everything i do. N things will be set right for me.  Below are  the verse that i keep reminding myself. Im just at this current stagnant point at work that i really feel i need guidance n breakthrough.

"John 15:4: Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me"

"Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight"

I am really glad i had a 2weeks break from work. Coming back from a good deserving holiday in Melbourne is definitely worth the burning a hole in my pocket.

The trip make me realised alot of things, taught me things that money couldnt buy. At least, somehow i feel the knot within me is totally untied. Hmm remember my gf told me that i look recharged and feel less bitter after the trip.

Well, i guess i have resigned to fate and everything. Best or good things may not happen to me, but that doesnt make me less or more. Maybe because  i am taking alot of things in a less "bochup" manner, that i really feel lighter? Well i think its good in a positive way. I guess this is because i got nuthing to loose that matters to me anymore, i let go everything??!! Hmm. Duno

As for job, i have totally resigned my fate to work in a lowly paid far far away kingdom that life is worse than a jailbird. I can understand why company firewalled off MSN messenger. But to cut off even online radio streaming… MY GOD?!!!!! Life is ARH on the island. I always rem during lunch time, my lunch kahkis we will always joke abt the scene in the movie" The ISLAND". Who will be the lucky person that strike lottery to get out of this….

Im really thankful that God had provided me in everyway. I am really grateful that my host family down in Melb had been really nice. They taught me how god provide. Lately, i just felt that God demonstrated his testimonial thru my gd gf. Im really glad that her patience and steadfast love for daddy god had pay off. Im really happy for her. Although i know i will miss her loads, but i know that is something really good for her.

Witnessing the goodness brought to her , i begin to believe that patience will pay off. She always encourage and shared with me her feelings…Her words reminded me of an old friend once shared with me a story about a gal who cried over wanting the very first doll she came across, but couldnt get her hands on. Her mother  refuse to get for her and asked her to be patience, and told her that the doll was not suitable, when she went to the next shop, she realised that her mum is right…

I guess this story and  my gf’s event taught me that daddy god knows what is best for me. All i need to do is to be patience and trust in him for him to work on me..Because he will provide….

I am really thankful. Its been a long time since i feel this calmness in my heart. I really miss this serenity. I guess since now i am so calm at heart, it is time for me to focus on things that i had set my mind to it….

I dont really believe that game console is something for the family. I do play some games but its neber enough to get me hooked especially as i get older. Unlike my bro, i know he is an ardent fan of console games such as xbox. xbox are fun but maybe due to my pea-sized brain and huge sausage fingers..I just dont seem to be able to clear the more complicated stages.

Until recently, i got hooked to a brand new hobby. Playing Wii. I never really trust all the marketing gimmicks about Wii. Saying is an entertainment for the family,etc. Till i finally saw it wif my own eyes.

Guess what? My 50 something mum is recently hooked on playing wii too. She was suppose to be studying for her exam due sometimes next week, till she set her eyes on me playing "Rayman Raving Rabbids." One of the mini-game , was to wave your wii remote control and nunchuck to the beat of the music, like DDR( dance dance revolution) to make the rabbid dance. Haha seeing my mum waving those remote madly and hard to the beat was hilarious and amazing. I was teasing her and saying this to my sister:

" Prehaps we should video mum’s action and post it to our blog"

I got to admit, Wii ’s graphic is not as fantastic compared to xbox360, PS3,etc but the interaction level is extreme. I was able to create and personalise character resembling like my dad for him to play bowling games on Wii.

I got to say the Wii invasion is something that cannot be ignored. And for kids out there, try to convince your parents to get you a Wii. You be amazed for once, your parents wont be nagging at you for playing long hours of games…Because Wii has also infected your parents with the addictions..LOLX

What are the words that i or people who knows me will describe me as..Or even how am i being perceived..

Hmmm…

Bubbly, Lame, Jovial, Sunshine, Depressive, Mad, Playful, blur,Shopperholic, Fashionable,helpful, emotional, Cheongster?( For sure i am not..y everyone judge a bk by its cover..sigh), Smart, Humours, Compassionate,talkative, elusive, romantic, dreamy, forgetful, fat, auntie, sweet, Spastic,Hello Kitty Fanatic, perfectionalist,stubborn, agile,extrovert,ridgid,sensitive,expressive, Chilli Padi( Dont bully me, else i will BiteZ!!!)…..

The list just goes on. Not bad, i can use this list next time when people as me what are my strength and weakness during an interview. Keke.

Anyway, as i grow older and hopefully wiser, i realise It is just part of the package. I am just glad that i am ME. Because i know  there will only be one me exist in this package in this world even there is a bearing resemblance in looks. So like it or not, i already put my disclaimer of this package.

I think for once i am so glad that i am born at the earlier part of the year. I used to envy friends for their birthday fall in the later part of the year. Beside turning "older" at a "slower rate" and also usually if a brand new school term starts, you hardly have any friends to celebrate with you if your birthday falls in Feb or earlier.Well, i love pressies, who doesnt love it???  But then again, the good side of having earlier birthday is that thank goodness due to this, i am entitled to the New Singapore Shares because i turn 21 in time. Haha now , my poor sister can only envy me for my cashing out of that little extra

Generally, i think i am really looking forward to the month of apr and may. Keep my finger cross for a decent PB and increment or better a revision in pay. Haha i cant be too greedy i guess. And i also hope i get to materialised my trip to Melb. I really hope to go and see those cutsy penguins on philip island that i didnt managed to do it , to Hobart hopefully to see the gateway to Antartic and also the 12 apostles before it is erode off from the great ocean road….

So many KPIs i set myself to this year. I really look forward to hit at least 50% of them?? I know one of it is the toughest and i may not hit it again this year again. :< That is to loose weight..Sigh.

I was pretty annoyed over the weekend when i learnt about my "so called friends and what they had said… Fortunately, now im feeling a whole load better and well those people are really crapz. Dont need such person in my life anyway.. Best of all, I like what M ’s comment about person who badmouth and  wrong criticism..  "I think it has something to do with their own insecurities…..take consolation in the fact that your family and friends who know you will know that this is not true. and if you ignore them, most of the time they get tired and move on to another target."

I can start feeling the positive vibes and energy within me lately, i hope this last forever… Hehe..

Does anyone these days still believes in human with a heart of gold?? Hmm maybe not much these days. When someone is being nice, you probably are doubtful and weary over whether is there any hidden motives or not to give any wrong impressions…

Living in a world of deceits. What strike my mind most is this classic line by Shakespeares. " Look not with the eyes as winged cupid is painted blind". I dont think this line is only applicable to romances. In such a living conditions, human had become so…. Weary of each other that  now we are become so doubtful towards each other. I hate this feeling.

I tried to be helpful these days. Not that im not helpful in the past, but just somehow i felt that i had changed over years. I just find that i am no longer as helpful and untainted as before. And i hope to get this feeling back by being who i am again. To help and ask for no return. I cant remember when was the last time i did it.

Sometimes your help is  just so not appreciated and friends even doubted your sincerity. I was upset when i learnt about it, people made used of u and worse of all still badmouth over you? I cant denied that i cried  over this matter. Maybe my tear glands were too swollen that i couldnt cried too much today which is good for me in a way.  I told myself i cry less these days for i dont see any reasons to shed any tears over anything or anyone anymore. Because whenever  i cry, the person in greatest pain is myself. For whenever i do cry in great sadness, i feel intense gastrial pain. I just think is plain too stupid to inflict such pain onto myself where the event or person who is causing this hurt is not feeling it at all. So whatever for?

I was pretty impressed with myself today. At least, despite of feeling down, i actually felt that im glad that i am alive. Alive to feel all these around me. To walk thru the park n see the trees…. I know that i dont have to be bothered on how people judge me for i know god will judge me fair in his eyes.

I still believe that the existence of heart of gold..For i truly had experience it before. I  will  neber forget  friends who shone lights in my days of darkness… And all i want now is to  reciprocate likewise in my own little  effort in wadever way within my means….

On the last day of 2006, it is good to take some quiet time to recap the highlights of this year. 2006 on the whole had been relatively kind to me. Both ups and downs but well on the whole, i cant complain much. I liked the word that my friend used. " Somethings are fated…." Yes, indeed very true. Some paths were meant to be parted, some were crossed again, and new ones are sprouting….

The best thing that happened to me in 2006 was that i renewed my love and faith for my Daddy God. I know i choose not to wear the cross now, because i know i am not ready as yet.To me,the cross is sacred and  symbolises alot of things. I am taking my time to walk the path that God wants me to, and i know one day i will wear that cross…

I like to thank everyone whom had crossed my path. To those whom i shed tears for, shared tears with, laughters with,boredom with, …. I thank you all for making my 2006 a bitter sweet and memorable one. For each day, was a lesson learnt and journey of discovering and better understanding of myself…

Although, i didnt managed to accomplish my 2006 new year resolution aka KPI(key performance Index)…that is to loose weight till 48kg. But i know this year been a great year and i look forward to a better 2007!!

Urshering into 2007, i have came up with a list of KPIs..i really hope i can acheive at least 50% of them next year.

1. Continue to loose weight
2. Stay happy and healthy
3. Meet my work KPI
4. Be a better person each day
5. 21km or 42km Std chrt run??
6. Go to school
7. Maintain my clock in to california fitness?? Waha
8. Better finances
9. Spend more time with Daddy God
10. Last but not least,…. Strive to stay pretty..(Aiming to be lao chio u know.. keke :P)

Gee, i think i hurt my right eye. Its getting all teary. Anyway that is not the point of pening today’s entry. I will try to focus and write something decent as a one eyed Masaki…Haha i made myself sounded like some guesome monster

Quoting from the slogan of Addidas latest. " Impossible is nuthing". I think i really like this slogan. Not that i like being an iron lady, but after completing my first ever 21km run on last sunday. I really think that some things is really mind over body. Although i got to admit, i am 5kg fatter than the old skinny me. Despite that gained in extra kilos, i guess my overall health being is better now. At least i dare to say my little heart is fit to complete that run which im really proud of myself.

I told SC and Nikkie lately. I think i have grown up. Grown up in the sense that i feel that im no longer bothered with things that used to bother me alot in the past. I m no longer interested in trying to find out the answers or even ask the questions that bothers me so much in the past. Well, even emotionally i feel that i am less affected and grown stronger over time…

Well the only thing i think it had neber change is that i have yet meet my KPI. And my KPI for life is to grow slim..Haha i guess i really got to work hard to acheive my extended KPI…

Maybe it is really true that thru hardwork n DETERMINATION…Impossible is Nuthing??? Im really glad i finally make it thru the storm….

Like that hor..Maybe next year i should try to accomplish 42.195km full marathon? And make it as one of my new year resolution? This should be relatively easy?? I guess in life..Sometimes is good to set little milestones for yourself n when u acheive it…U feel great and find little happiness from small things around you that u have accomplish… :>

Hmm personally, i think i dont like to make decisions… Or rather im afraid to make a wrong decision, i dont know whether i can live to the "result" from the decision..I guess that is making me feeling sick and i hate the feeling of my heart pumpingin fear.

Dont get me wrong, i enjoyed making decision at work especially.  I guess the difference between the later is that i have enough ground information to make me and feel confident about taking the decision and making the move. Be it good or bad, i was prepared for better or worse.

Maybe a decision to be made for your own future is otherwise, the feeling of uncertainties and suspense sometimes is able to swallow and consume me whole.I admit im not much a risk taker personally, that makes me feel more chickened out when i am stuck with paths that i have to choose, decisions i have to make.

I just missed the good old school days, where everything is straight forward. You dont have to bother much about decisions coz all it matters is just do well in ur grades and it will take u to places subsequently. Or rather that was my mentality then. But yet then i complained, i want to make my own choices and decisions. HAHA. Issnt Human really so hard to please? Give them something, they want the other. Never satisfying.

Hmm last nite, i was thinking about the pursuit up the ladder. Will i advance too fast that i missed a step on d ladder and fall from great height to  my own death?

I dont know. I guess what i can do now is just gather as much information i can to help me decide what is best  for me and lived on that decision i made.

Okie, at least today the purchase of my ever Kawaii hello kitty perks me up after my class. :>